Thoughts

The art of letting go

The first time I learnt how to let go, I was around 5 years old. This story contains a Teletubby, a lost child and Spain.

 Alicja, Teletubbies and Perfect Disaster

Somewhere at the beginning of the 00s, I went for a holiday to Spain with my family. I had my favourite toy with me – a green Teletubby, Dipsy. I was carrying her with me the whole stay.

That stupid toy was extremely important to me, but then the tragedy happened. Unexpectedly, I lost her somewhere in the hotel. I was devastated, but I had to let it go.

A few days passed, and it seemed that I’d forgotten about Dipsy and moved on with my life… But no. Once my parents turned their heads, I started looking for my toy around the hotel, hoping that maybe, somehow, Dipsy was hidden somewhere behind the pool table.

Needless to say, she wasn’t there.

And neither were my parents.

The start of attachment issues

Once I realized I lost both Daisy and my parents, I burst into tears. A poor waiter had to carry me around the hotel, looking for my terrified parents. In a nutshell: one toy, many problems.

After we come back to Poland, I got another Teletubby. I don’t even remember whether it was Dipsy or Lala, but I do remember that the “newbie” didn’t even have a mini TV on its belly, so I never loved it as much as I loved Dipsy.

No, you shouldn’t fight till the very end

It’s been ten years since I lost Dipsy. I’m fifteen now and just started my freshman year in high school. I immediately fell madly in love with a boy I spoke to only once, but who looked just like Even Peters. Despite the lack of common interests or not knowing his surname, I find it extremely difficult to cure my “broken heart”. I keep the memories of this guy in my heart as strongly as I kept Daisy just a few years before that. To make things even worse, I keep scrolling Tumblr – full of black and white photos with depressive captures. One of them I will remember for many years – You should fight for everything till the very end”.

I don’t know it yet, but this is the biggest lie I will ever hear

I wish I knew back there that no, you don’t have to fight for something which is already lost. Believing this can lead to generations afraid to take a step forward and move on. Because maybe he will change his mind, she will stop manipulating, the boss will suddenly change his toxic behaviour and things will magically find their way to get better.

But then comes the harsh moment of realization. This bitter thought that pops in your mind and makes you think. That perhaps another person is not interested, that you’re only a second option and that the wallet, which someone stole from you, won’t magically appear under your doormat. Realising that something you were fighting for won’t be yours. Ever.

The final closure won’t always be there

I know, I don’t like it either.

Sometimes I always forget how to move on. I’d lie if I say that it’s easy for me. On the contrary – I have a lot of problems with letting things go. For me, it’s also hard to accept the fact that sometimes it won’t be the final goodbye. Someone will just go, like that, and you will never know what was the reason. You won’t hear “I’m sorry”, you won’t hear an explanation. You can miss the occasion, the feeling can change, some chapter will end and that’s it, end of story. Every show must end – sometimes for one person, it’s just earlier than for another.

The ultimate relief of letting go

Memories and emotions are beautiful only when they’re not stopping you from moving forward.

At some point, the pain fades. You’ll realize that feeling because it’s one of the most beautiful things you’ll ever experience. It’s called freedom.

You’re no longer “accidentally” visiting places where you can meet your ex. You don’t think of him anymore. If so, only wish him luck with another person.

You don’t hold into your toxic job environment only because of nostalgia. You start a new career with fear, but also with excitement!

How to let go?

As someone who has a master’s level in overthinking, I can honestly say that there’s no better solution than to take care of yourself. But something really significant, not just meaningless things that will help you only for a short amount of time. It’s a perfect time for a new hobby, meeting new people and finally thinking about what’s best for you. You kinda don’t even have a choice unless you want to freak out with your own thoughts.

But once its done, you’ll realize that it was the best thing that ever happened to you.

About

Graduated journalism, wandering around Europe. Heart in Spain, body in the Netherlands. Survived an attack of angry cows.

Graduated journalism, wandering around Europe. Heart in Spain, body in the Netherlands. Survived an attack of angry cows.